"You Can't Win: A Winner's Guide To Losing"

I'll run away from my feelings AND your feelings. I'm that good.

How come no one ever posted a pic of a cat with “Happy CATurday”?

This seems so obvious. Not sure why I have to come up with these things.

Eyes are the windows of the soul.

Glasses are the windex of the soul.

I admire moms who use their kids as an extra purse.

I just did whatever the opposite of ghosting is, and she really wants me to leave.

Caring about the pre-season is like caring about your first spouse. Ultimately meaningless.

The better your hair cut, the fewer people you will see while it's still in the awesome stage.

Tell your kids that there was a time when every single day you didn't find out something so horrible it made you question everything.

Be right back, throwing my phone off of a tall building

My weirdest Twitter experience is being recognized from my avi at a formal event.

What's yours?

U.S.A. Women's Basketball are always elite 🏅