ARIES: Someone wanna tell me all about them please? Just randomly blurt shit out?

Here’s the latest data concerning your favourite beer and how it’s affected by your zodiac sign, according to totally reputable new source (checks notes) … the New York Post:

Aries: Modelo. Because you’re not afraid of a fight, and Modelo partners with the UFC on the Fighting Chance Project that revitalizes gyms. (???)

Taurus: Miller High Life. Because you “love a good time and a fine bargain.”

Gemini: Budweiser. Because of some nonsense about Geminis being good liars, and Budweiser being good at marketing.

Cancer: Blue Moon. Because cancers are “ruled by the moon.” And because cancers are nostalgic . . . baseball is nostalgic . . . and Blue Moon was the brainchild of a place called Sandlot Brewery at Coors Field in Denver.

Leo: Corona. Because it’s Spanish for “crown,” and Leo is the sign of royalty.

Virgo: Michelob Ultra. Because Virgos are health-conscious. And Michelob Ultra is so watered down, it’s sometimes called the “Gatorade of beers.”

Libra: Pabst Blue Ribbon. Libras love fairness and equality, and PBR is loved by everyone from factory workers to hipsters.

Scorpio: Guinness. Because Scorpios are mysterious, and Guinness has been very tight-lipped when it comes to their trade secrets.

Sagittarius: Sapporo. Because you’re adventurous, and so was the guy who created it.

Capricorn: Yuengling. Because you’re determined, and so was Yuengling when they stayed afloat in Prohibition by making “near beer” with basically no alcohol.

Aquarius: Stella Artois. Because the tarot card for Aquarius is the “Star” card, and “Stella” means “star” in Latin.

Pisces: Heineken. Because you like pleasing people. ...read more